Professor, I think I'm dying
by Samantha Anne Green
Summary: “Ms. Granger!” Snape said loudly. The girl jumped, and spun around, and then to Snape’s surprise, sighed and clutched her stomach as a new expression of relief washed over her face. Oneshot. No flames please.


**A/N: A cute little one-shot set in Hermione's first year. I got the idea partially from personal experience and from 'The Thorn Birds', which of course I recommend highly, both in Mini-series and book form.**

**Also stole things from Sandman.**

**Pairings: HGSS friendship.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. No characters, no set, hardly any plot line either. I'm a fake. :p**

It was 10:00 pm.

In terms of hours in a day, Severus Snape, Potions Master of Hogwarts, hated and feared by many (probably all) of his students, preferred this time most. The curfew was up, and so the hallways once more would be free from the idle chattering of the mindless children that roamed them throughout the day, and silence would once again hang over the passages that winded their way throughout the school. This hour was good for Snape for two reasons; firstly, that he could grade papers, essays, and all manners of student work without the usually ridiculous level of noise, and secondly, that if he were to take night time watch-duty, he could deduct house points and give detentions to anyone caught out after curfew without being scorned by fellow staff members the next morning for being what they defined as "unfair". Especially McGonagall.

That particular evening, however, was off to a bad start. Firstly, Severus had run into a pair of canoodling seventh years in the Astronomy Tower (the only _bad _part about patrolling at night were those stupid hormonal beasts), and tripped and practically broken his ankle when Peeves had pulled a rug out from under his feet (he'd consequently cursed the stupid poltergeist to be plagued by invisible bugs for a month).

Snape had thus decided to roam the hallways near the entrance of the ghost Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. Not only was the area secluded, fairly dark, and perfect for pacing and wallowing in bitter thoughts, but also most sane living (and usually even dead) creatures were also extremely unlikely to venture into the area. Resting against a wall, he yawned involuntarily, and reluctantly grabbed his hipflask which was conveniently filled to the brim with coffee.

After taking a long gulp, he looked up and surveyed the corridor, before something caught the corner of his eye. A short, female-shaped shadow had flitted near the entrance of the nearby cursed girls bathroom. Snape groaned inwardly, but stowed the hipflask, and made his way towards the shadow, fixing his face into a rather frightening scowl.

The shadow slowly faded away as the person who cast it emerged into the light, and Snape was rather irritated to recognise the know-it-all first year Gryffindor named Granger, who he distinctly remembered to have ruined his tormenting of the stupid Potter (just as arrogant as his stupid father) by raising her hand far too enthusiastically to answer every question he missed. He had been dwelling all day on the incident, and had come to the conclusion that none of Lily Evan's intelligence in potions had been passed down to the boy. This new Potter was almost as ignorant as his father. How could someone not know where to find a beozar? He would usually have been surprisingly pleased to finally have a student who knew the answer to the question. It was a pity she was so eager. If the Granger girl had been a Slytherin, or even a Ravenclaw, who didn't raise her hand so much and knew when to hold her tongue she might even be moderately tolerable.

Granger, however, was anything from tolerable to Snape at the present. She was not only skulking around after curfew, trying and failing dismally to conceal herself in the shadows (unmistakeably Gryffindor behaviour, Snape thought disapprovingly), but also she was wearing an expression, prominent even through the low light, that Snape knew only too well and hated bitterly; an expression of complete and utter terror.

"Ms. Granger!" Snape said loudly. The girl jumped, and spun around, and then to Snape's surprise, sighed and clutched her stomach as a new expression of relief washed over her face.

"Professor," she said, breathing heavily, "I was just going to look for a teacher!"

"Were you?" Snape said sceptically, raising an eyebrow. "And what would prompt you to do that at this hour of night?"

"Well, if it's alright, sir, I'd really like to speak to Professor McGonagall," the girl said, clutching her stomach even tighter, distress beginning to seep into her face.

Stupid McGonagall! Stupid Gryffindors! Snape thought, snarling at the girl. The least she could do was make up an even marginally believable lie!

"I assure, Ms. Granger, I am perfectly capable of handling the problem which is worrying so much as to breakschool rules,which I'm sure you know could result in the removal of house points, or even detention," Snape sneered, waiting for the horror that was bound to sleep into the know-it-all's face. But instead of the expected fear, the girl winced and clutched her stomach even tighter, simply nodding.

Snape started, and looked at the girl cautiously. "Ms. Granger? Are you alright?"

The girl looked up at him, and bit her lip, before whispering out a single sentence.

"Professor… I think I'm dying."

"What!?!?" Snape said, feeling worry and alarm seep into him. "Why? What would make you think such a thing?"

"It's my stomach sir," the girl said quietly, wincing slightly.

"Your stomach?" Snape looked down at her, feeling slightly confused. "What about it?"

"It hurts, sir."

Stomach pain? But that could be anything. He relaxed a little. A simple stomach pang…but for her to talk to him about it, it might be serious. His brow furrowed. It could be a simple stomach ache…. but it could also be several types of poisoning, including food poisoning… Oh Merlin, it could be appendicitis. And he was out of antidotes!

"Is it bad, Ms. Granger? Where does it hurt? Have you eaten something you weren't meant to? Do you feel sick? Feverish? Do you have a headache? Have you thrown up?" Snape asked urgently, stumbling over each question at top speed. Merlin help him if the girl was really sick for wasting all that time.

"Not really sir, I mean, it doesn't exactly hurt…" the Granger girl said, pausing as though to contemplate her words.

"What do you mean, it doesn't exactly hurt?" Snape snapped, straightening his back and crossing his arms, his brow furrowing. How could she say it had hurt one minute, and then say it didn't the next?

"I mean, it really hurts but it's not really… I mean, it's not a sharp pain, it's just there. I don't know how to describe it."

Snape eyed her suspiciously. Was this some sort of prank? Or was the girl a hypochondriac?

"And that's not the only thing!" she added quickly. "I'm bleeding too."

"Bleeding?" Snape said, eyeing her up and down. He didn't see any blood. "Where?"

"Well, it's not really a place you can see sir," Granger said, blushing.

"What do you mean? Is it internal?" Snape said worriedly.

"No, it's…" the girl looked extremely embarrassed... "you know…down… there…"

And suddenly, the whole thing became painfully clear to Snape.

Painfully clear.

Oh, Merlin, Snape thought. Oh Merlin, Merlin, Merlin.

Fuck.

The girl had her period.

"Oh," Snape managed, after a moment's silence, "I see."

"What do you mean? Do you know what I have?" Granger asked, looking up at him hopefully.

"You… you don't have a disease, Ms. Granger," Snape swallowed, trying very hard to compose himself.

"Is it a curse then? An advanced hex?" the girl continued, still looking up at him.

Snape had a sudden urge to bang his head violently against the wall.

"Ms. Granger, I assure it is neither… in fact, it is quite normal," Snape said, choosing his words very carefully, "hasn't your mother, perhaps, informed you about this?"

The girl looked at him curiously. "Informed me? Informed me about what?"

Prison suddenly looked so much more preferable than teaching.

"May I suggest that we discuss this further in my office?" Snape said, wishing desperately that he could sink into the ground.

"Sir, I don't mean to be rude," the girl started, a rather stubborn expression on her face, "but you're not the one in pain here. I've no intention to go anywhere until you tell me what's wrong with me."

Snape started again at the angry tone in her voice. Granger seemed to too, clapping her hand over her mouth.

"Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry," she said, looking distressed, "I didn't mean to say that."

"Presuming it's your hormones, I've decided to let it pass," Snape thought, and after a few seconds, realised in horror that he had said it out loud.

"Hormones?" Granger said, looking at him as though he had gone insane.

"….yes," Snape said after a second of contemplating what had just possessed him, and took another second to poise himself, before continuing, "Ms. Granger, you have what we call your…. period."

"Period?" She said, and sudden realisation dawned over her face, "Oh!"

Snape started for the third time. The girl had known about it all along, and she hadn't thought of it?

"You know, then what a period is?" Snape said, wondering whether to be relieved or furious.

"Not exactly. My mother just told me that if it were to happen, I should speak to a teacher about it," Hermione said, looking more than a little relieved, "she said… she said I wasn't likely to get it, but that if I did it was normal, and… and not to be scared!" She looked up at him, looking almost happy, but then confusion passed over her face again. "But what does it mean, professor? Why do I get my period?"

"I'm sure you'd agree that it would be more efficient to do something about the blood before we get into the explanation," Snape said, feeling slightly relieved and at the same time even more uncomfortable. Granger nodded in agreement, and Snape cast a quick spell on the girl.

Granger looked down, and then looked back up at him. "What did you do, sir?"

"The spell removes cleans up any already released blood, and creates an invisible barrier that will absorb the blood," Snape explained, "and will stay there until your… period is finished. However, when you're out of school, you'll need to use more conventional Muggle means to remove it."

"What do you mean, out of school?" the girl said, looking scared, "will I have it again?"

"Yes, once a month," Snape said calmly. He was not expecting for the girl to look extremely scared, and look around frightened.

"Once a month? For how long?" She said, her voice slightly high pitched.

"Well, basically for the rest of your life," Snape said, not understanding how the news could affect the girl so. He was horrified when she fell to the floor crying.

"Ms. Granger, do not cry!" Snape said, looking around desperately for some means to shut her up.

"You don't understand, sir!" she choked through tears, "It's so painful! My stomach aches, and I feel sick and…. it's terrible! And I'm going to have it for the rest of my life, 12 times each year!"

"Ms. Granger, I assure you, all girls have it, and you will become used to it," Snape said, sinking rather reluctantly onto his knees, "Besides, there are…" he looked for a suitable word, "good things… that come with having your period."

"Like what?" Granger snapped, and Snape was rather shocked at the vehemence in her voice. Hormones, he reminded himself, as he desperately searched for an answer to the girl's question. After a moment's pause, he found one.

"Pregnancy!" He said triumphantly.

"Pregnancy?" The girl said, and to Snape's horror burst into fresh tears, "I'm going to get pregnant?"

"Merlin, no!" Snape gasped, looking at the 11 year old as though she were insane.

"I'm not?" Granger sniffed, looking up hopefully.

"No!" Snape said, shaking his head fervently. "What I meant, Ms. Granger, if you didn't have your period, you wouldn't be able to get pregnant."

"I wouldn't?" She said, wiping a tear from her face, and looking rather surprised by this statement.

"No," he said, catching on to the fact that statement was cheering her immensely. Trying to look pleasant while nodding rapidly, relieved that the tears were subsiding, he continued "which means you wouldn't be able to have children."

"So, I need to have my period to be able to have children later?" the girl surmised.

"Exactly!" Snape said, nodded enthusiastically, hoping to Merlin that the crying had completely stopped.

"Oh, well, I suppose that is good in a way." Granger said, but the tone of her voice obviously showed that she needed affirmation.

"It's very good," Snape said, continuing his inward praying, "Very, very good. You want to have children, don't you, Ms. Granger?"

"I suppose so," she said, sniffing again, and wiping the tears from her eyes, "One day."

"Then you should be happy!" Snape said, nodding, trying very hard to reek optimism, "There's no need to cry because you're able to have children."

"I suppose so," the girl said, and to Snape's relief, a small smile began to dawn onto her face.

"Good," Snape said, sighing tiredly, nodding as he made to get to his feet, "Very good." As the girl smiled, he continued, "that's settled then. Stand up, then, or you'll dirty on your robes."

She nodded, and began to get to her feet. For a moment, Snape believed that the whole thing was over.

"But, professor," Granger said curiously, "How exactly do you get pregnant?"

Snape started, and turned to the girl looking up at him curiously. He swallowed, and hurriedly replied, "That's a question you're going to have to ask your mother, Ms. Granger."

"But-"

"Now," Snape said firmly, "I am going to take you down to the dungeons to give you a potion to help with the pain, and then I will take you back to your dormitory, where you will sleep. If you have any urgent questions, you may ask Professor McGonagall them in the morning." Hermione made to open her mouth, and he added sharply, "Is that understood?"

Granger looked down, and nodded obediently. Satisfied, Snape turned and began to stride down the hallway, glad that the relationship between teacher and scared student had been re-established. He barely glanced at the girl as she followed him down to the potions lab. They walked, dealt with the potion, and then walked again in complete silence, until the two reached the Portrait of the Fat Lady outside the Gryffindor Common Room, who looked rather irritated to be awoken.

"Thank you, Professor Snape," Hermione finally said, finally building enough courage to talk to the rather intimidating Professor.

"I'm a teacher, Ms. Granger. I'm paid to help you," Professor Snape said, glaring.

Hermione smiled a little bit, and uttered the password, before climbing through the hole. She turned around just before she left, to look at him, and for some reason, she found his somehow less scary than before. He had been surprisingly helpful to her, so much so that he had almost be nice. Well, Hermione though to herself scoldingly, he's not evil or anything. He wouldn't have become a teacher if he didn't want to. She smiled at the grumpy looking man. He really is kind deep down.

Snape looked at the girl, and thanked Merlin that the ordeal was finally over, and for a second wished deeply that the girl had had appendicitis, before mentally abusing himself for student death-wishes, reminding himself that while liking the job was not one of the requirements, violent thoughts against the students were, and reprimanded himself sternly with thoughts about Azkaban.

Before he closed the portrait hole, Snape quickly snapped, "And I'd prefer it, Ms. Granger, if you kept the details of this event to yourself."

She smiled cheerfully, and nodded, before turning back around, but just as Snape was sure she was about to leave, she turned around and looked at him eagerly.

"Are you sure you won't tell me how people get pregnant, Professor?"

Snape scowled, and slammed the portrait in her face.

_Finite_

**A/N: But seriously. Who doesn't know where to find a beozar?**

**R & R to make me happy.**


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